It's Time to Let Go of Your Inner Critic
A Galentine's Day message for you
Listen to me read the post above. ⬆️
*This post was previously titled “Tell Your Inner Critic I Said “F*ck Off” which is reflected in the audio recording.
Notes from a Kindred Spirit is a bi-weekly newsletter about embracing curiosity, exploring hobbies, living with chronic illness, and finding contentment in the everyday.
Hi friends,
Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about self-criticism and self-compassion—especially as it pertains to women and mothers. A few days later, I found myself having a strikingly similar discussion with another friend over a video call.
After ruminating, I decided that this topic is important enough to open it up for a wider conversation by writing a post where folks can share their experiences and wisdom in the comments. I’ll meet you there.
We are so hard on ourselves, aren’t we?
Do you think it’s working?
Is it making your life better?
I’m going to tell you right now that it’s not.
In fact, it’s making things worse.
I see my friend beating herself up because she hasn’t finished a creative project she promised herself she would have completed ages ago.
I hear women in my life criticizing their appearances and making up “funny” labels for themselves that aren’t funny at all—just hurtful.
I see friends looking for life partners, telling themselves they’re too much or too flirty or not casual enough or just not enough—period.
I hear my friends with kids questioning if they’re bad mothers because life feels chaotic, and they don’t want that to affect their families negatively.
I listen to my own harmful self-talk when I criticize myself for not making nearly as much money as my husband.
There is this strong internal belief that if we put more pressure on ourselves, if we talk down to ourselves, if we let our inner critic run wild—that will motivate us to make the changes we want to see and we will finally stick to them.
But the opposite is true.
You may already know this, but you’ve been doing it for so long that it’s ingrained.
Self-criticism demotivates you because you become stuck in a cycle of unhelpful self-talk.
...research shows that self-criticism is a poor strategy. When used excessively, it is consistently associated with less motivation, worse self-control, and greater procrastination. In fact, self-criticism shifts the brain into a state of inhibition, which prevents you from taking action to reach your goals.1
The more you take care of yourself and treat yourself with kindness and self-compassion, the more you’ll have the motivation and energy to do what you want to do.
Here’s what Dr. Kristin Neff, author and Associate Professor of Human Development and Culture—and a leading authority on self-compassion—has to say:
Research shows that self-compassionate people have less performance anxiety, more self-confidence, and less fear of failure. They’re more willing to take risks, have a growth orientation, and value learning over self-image. They persist longer in their efforts and are more likely to keep trying after setbacks. And they’re more likely to take personal responsibility for harm done and make amends.2
How can we practice self-compassion?
As with any mental pattern you want to change, awareness is the first step, but it is often the most difficult. Have a conversation with your girlfriends and make a pact to gently call each other out when you notice self-criticism popping up.
Give your inner critic a name to make it easier to notice their negative talk.
Naming your inner critic leverages cognitive defusion — a process by which you separate yourself from your thoughts. Defusion is shown to reduce discomfort, believability, and the stress of negative thoughts.3
It’s a cliche, but it’s true—treat yourself how you would treat a friend or young child. Think about the last negative thing you said to yourself. Would you say this out loud to a friend? How can you rephrase it into something kind? How would that feel?
The importance of rest
If I could tell the women in my life and you, reading this post, one thing it would be to REST.
Women carry the mental load in our society, and there is so much unnecessary pressure to look after everything and everyone and get it “right.”
So, let this be a reminder to you to prioritize your own rest. This is me giving you a giant permission slip to do it.
Rest to avoid burnout. Rest because you deserve it, no matter how much you think you didn’t get done.
Rest because you are worthy of care.
Let’s commit—here and now—to letting go of the self-criticism. Let’s agree that being hard on ourselves is not motivating, and we deserve better.
Let’s bring this conversation to the women in our lives and help each other quiet our inner critics with self-compassion.
Let’s do it together.
Let’s start now.
How do you practice self-compassion? Has your relationship with your inner critic changed over time? What advice would you give your younger self? Please join the conversation in the comments.
Happy Galentine’s Day,
P.S. I made a phone wallpaper you can download and use to remind yourself to check in on your inner voice.
Click the arrow symbol ⬇️ in the upper right to complete the download.
Resources
“Why Women Need Fierce Self-Compassion” by Kristin Neff
“Self-Compassion for Parents” by Maryam Abdullah
How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis
"7 Tips for Showing Yourself Some Self-Compassion" by Angela Haupt
I'm definitely guilty of letting my inner critic get the best of me. I love the phrase I've heard other people say when someone is being hard on themselves: "Hey, that's my friend you're talking about!" 💛
Ah, this is beautiful! I need to work on this.